So, out of the 7+ billion humans on this planet if you are one of the 2 or 3 that might have any curiosity about me, well, you’re in luck. You’re about to get one big whoop ass pile of it. This is about 40 fucking years in the making so buckle up.
I will be completely honest here. 40+ years ago I was an asshole. Yes, I write books now and this web site is devoted to trying to get people interested in those stories. And yes, telling everyone about the ass I was when I was younger is not a good start, but truth is, this is not about my writing. It is actually, ultimately, not about me, but I need to say this to the world out there and I was, at one time, a perfect example of what we (the royal we) should not be.
I was young and excited about life --- my life. I didn’t seem to be particularly interested in other people’s lives. I didn’t have an interest in establishing a career. Didn’t really want to work for a living. I just wanted to have fun. I got a college degree and did nothing with it. I was a disappointment to my family. Didn’t care.
I stumbled my into one relationship after another. Quite a few, which in my case, is kind of tragic. Because my primary focus had always been on me, I managed to either sabotage those relationships or just cruelly dump some of those women. I don’t think any of those relationships ended well and that was on me.
My shitty approach to the people in my life was not restricted to lovers. I was equally crappy towards friends. I seemed to be unable to care enough about people who were, in fact, good friends, to be interested in their lives and I didn’t bother to stay in touch with them.
I lacked empathy for others. I was inconsiderate. I was self centered. It was all about me. I was an asshole.
I will tell you that I was very lucky. Luck I didn’t deserve. I met a woman that tolerated my immaturity. That put up with my crap for quite a while. But she helped me learn how to be a whole, real person. It took a while because I guess I’m a very slow learner. I have been married to her now for 30+ years. And, to be clear here, I am not the person I was all those years ago.
So, if you even made it this far, you are saying: “What fuck, man? You said this wasn’t all about you.” Right. I did say that. And it’s not about me. In case people out there haven’t figured it out yet I’ll state it plainly here. This world is fucked up. In lots of ways, but, at the moment, I am only referring to how we (the royal we again) deal with each other.
The leadership of countries generally seems to suck and the corruption of governments tends to make certain that the only people that get into roles of leadership are not the best of us. More importantly, though, than that are simple hard facts. Humans have been around for about 300,000 years. That is a long fucking time to not get this right. We seem to be only marginally better at living together than we were at the beginning.
There is not a single point in the history of humanity when somewhere on the planet we were not engaged in trying to kill each other on an increasingly large scale. And if we aren’t doing it on some battlefield somewhere, we’re doing on the streets of our cities. Frighteningly large percentages of humanity still wholeheartedly embrace hatred. Hatred for other ethnic groups. Hatred of the spiritual beliefs of others. Hatred for how other people simply choose to live their lives. It is a black and dark addiction.
OK, now I get to the heart of what I want to say. I could talk all day about the ugly things in this world. There are plenty to choose from. This world is a world of our making. We did this. My younger self did not care about this so, essentially, I contributed to it. I was too involved only in me. I am not that person now. I have chosen to not be a part of the dark side of this world. I believe we can be better than what we have shown.
To this end, I have started reaching out to people in my past. People I was an ass to, to varying degrees. I can’t change the past and just saying “Sorry” isn’t good enough. It doesn’t fix anything. It’s a get out of jail free card because somehow it’s all OK if you just say you’re sorry. No, while I am sorry for who I was, I own that. It’s my burden to carry until I die.
So, I am trying to rebuild friendships with people because I believe every single time I can bring some measure of goodness into this world through renewed friendships I am making, even in a tiny way, this world is a better place to live in. I can’t change the whole world. I’m not trying to do that, but I can do this.
Recently, I reached out to a friend/lover from my past (like 35 years ago). I tried to explain to her that I wanted to try to be friends again. That despite my inability to show that back then, she really did mean something to me. What I got back from her was disinterest and indifference. It’s been 35 years --- I get that lots of time has passed and certainly I had not ended our relationship well (being who I was then), but I made it clear in my email that I take full responsibility for the person I was at that time.
I wanted to see how her life had been. I wanted to hear her stories. The things that made her happy. The things that made her sad. I wanted to share a part of my heart I could not give her years before as a friend. To me that is true goodness. It is the thing we (royal we) can give each other.
She wasn’t interested. Her reaction, though, was not necessarily shocking.
But here’s the thing. Her response at my request to find a way to be friends again is not atypical. She was, when I knew her, a good person with a good heart. But her reaction is what this whole thing is about. I am sad that she does not want to communicate with me after 35 years of not speaking.
Earlier, I referenced the nature of our world today. There is so much negativity and divisiveness between people. How, given where we all find ourselves today, can any of us truly feel that we don’t need at least a little more goodness and friendship in our lives?
We are better, all of us, when we find ways to bring happiness to each other. We don’t need to tackle the overwhelming task of changing the world. We just need to change ourselves. To be the best version of ourselves we can. I believe I have (after a long time) become a better version of myself. I have learned to care about others --- particularly people I did not treat well in the past. My friend cannot find it in her to accept that fact that I want to bring back the happiness that we had in the friendship that we once shared.
All of us need to be better at this. It’s not that hard. We just need to reach out to one another. One at a time. And we need to be prepared to accept an offer of kindness, goodness or friendship when we can. I believe there is a great many people still out there in this world with genuine goodness in them. It’s hard to do this sometimes with strangers, but it’s not that hard to do it with the people we cared about and lost touch with.
If the few people that see this shrug it off. I’m sorry that I couldn’t reach you. If this finds a place in your heart then please reach out to someone. Share the goodness of who you are with someone. The world grows a tiny step closer to the place we all dream it could be when we do that. Understand, for the people who get what I am saying here, I believe in you. Please, believe that you can be the best you that this world has ever known before. And share it.
K McConnell
kmcconnell@kmcconnellbooks.com
